Thursday, April 15, 2010

Not My Sign: Etsybloggers Carnival

I do not like the Zodiac.

I specifically do not like the Greco-Roman Zodiac, which is what most people are talking about in America when they ask "What's your sign?". And I specifically do not like it because, whatever they protest, 99.999999 of all people give the wretched thing some weight, even though (1) it is so vague as to be utterly useless, and (b) it was invented by the Fathers of Western Civilization, and they were very insistently the FATHERS of Western Civilization, and the only indicator of my personality at birth that they would have bothered to notice would have been the fact that I was female, and therefor my horoscope for life would have read "Today is a good day to do whatever the man who legally owns you says! Or you're going to Hell, which granted you pretty much are anyway, because we have a very downbeat cosmology, and you'll never be a hero, Fe-Male, but you will go to some special hell for disobedient girl children. Assuming females have souls, the forum's still out on that. We've decided you don't have enough teeth, though! So in conclusion: watch your mouth, toothshort wench, and wash our dishes."

And then I would have been exposed for being sickly.

I will not even START on the Chinese Zodiac. *

I figure, if I'm going to be judged by an arbitrary standard, it should at least be an arbitrary standard based on the culturally agreed-on weirdness of the modern culture where I live, instead of the weirdness of a bunch of moldy old dead guys who didn't even know what chocolate tasted like. Something like:

Winter Crocus (the Optimist)
January 1-February 28
Born to a time of new beginnings fueled by the fading edges of a sugar rush, the Crocus brings optimism, resolve, and a willingness to try new things for at least a month or two. Those born in the sign of the Crocus make wonderful planners and idea people, but are often not so awesome on the follow through.
Great at planning vacations, but don't let them drive.

They are fantastic politicians.


Bottle Rocket (The Celebrator)
July 1st- August 31st
Bottle Rockets know the sheer fact of their existence makes them the most interesting thing in the world, because what, grilling is that much fun? Fantastically entertaining, charming, and cheerful, unless you ignore them and let them get bored, in which case they will go off like the Fourth of July and wreck the place.

Also, do not get them wet.

and of course

Fusebox (the Fighter)
February 29th
Neurotic and high strung, people born to this sign react oddly to the simplest questions and comments, like "So when's your birthday?" and "Isn't that confusing?" and "Funny, you don't look like you're five years old, hyuck hyuck".

Yes, these designations are daft and unfair. They're also easily remembered and match the current calendar. And they have the added benefit of being completely unimportant! Truly, a solid companion to the newspaper advice columns, in which the local advice mavens remind us weekly not to eat paste, even though paste is tasty. What do they know, anyway? Ahem.

So, what's your story?

*I actually like Celtic Tree Zodiac(1) quite a bit, but no one knows the Celtic Zodiac. Alas!

** I AM a natural born inferior, of course, but we can none of us help not being beetles.

***Yawns are actually a way of transmitting more yawns. This is Science Fact, and an experiment you can do yourself! Yawn in a crowded room and watch them spread. Then give generously to Yawn Prevention Research, which is funded exclusively through my Etsy Shop!

(1) I'm a Holly.


Teddy Started It said...

LOL, <3 it! I also love that I'm a 'winter crocus' - spot on! How'd you know?

Cal said...

I think I am an evergreen tree (?)... I like your post!

mermaiden said...

I am *so* not a bottle rocket :P

Carapace said...

Teddy- Natural extrapolation, of course!

Cal- Are the Evergreen trees the unfortunate holiday birthdays? I had a writeup for that too, and was working on one for the spring kids, when I realized this is why I don't post enough, and I needed to stop expending effort immediately.:P

Mermaiden-- You totally are, you know. Well, *I* think you're starbursty awesome, anyhow.