Monday, April 13, 2009

Lessons of Easter, Courtesy Turner Classic Movies

Day 2 of my personal blogging challenge (to attempt to bring this blog back to life), and I couldn't think of a List Post. I sort of don't know anything that could possibly interest anyone else in list format. I am a liberal arts major, the long winded justification is my forte.

But then came Easter, and like a very affordable angel, Turned Classic Movies delivered the true meaning of Easter in a marathon of rather strange films. And now I have my list, in the form of knowledge I must share with the world, in the form of:

Five Facts of Middle Eastern History I Bet Money You Were Never Taught in School

1. Women in Ancient Egypt, Pre-Rome Judea, and Ceasar's Rome wore Playtex girdle bras. Also, curling iron technology is older than I expected.

2.The weavers of Israel knew how to make gold lame. Truly, gods they were.

3. No woman is truly evil, provided she is under fifty and sort of hot; she's just waiting for a Real Man to show her the error of her ways. If he can summon lightning from the sky, this will help. If he cannot, he is not a Real Man and deserves calumny and betrayal anyhow.

4.Despite a heretofor unsuspected by me level of sophistication in fabric science, men of the ancient world held a passionate disdain for shirts. Perhaps there is a biblical injunction against the clothing of the male torso, at least if the torso has rock-hard abs?

And the big shocker, the one that really rocked my perception of the ancient world:

5. Jezebel, Herod's daughter, was...blond. We're talkin' cornsilk. At last, we know why Herod was such a jerk: the malignant melanomas had gone to his brain!

Classic movie history: Teach the controversy!**


**No offense meant to be stirred up here, but c'mon, "Teach the controversy!" is a fantastic thing to say, and I want it to become a pop culture catchphrase.

9 comments:

mermaiden said...

Rock on and teach the controversy!
Your list cracked me up. You did neglect to mention how important the shaving of any unsightly chest hair was to the middle eastern bare-torsoed macho men was!
Charlton Heston's writers never read the good book, clearly, and they join the mass of followers of a non-specific religion who probably didn't either. yup, i'm controversial!

Carapace said...

Well, I didn't want to blow anyone's mind.

Amazingly, they did NOT show Ten Commandments. Which, arguably, has nothing at all to do with Easter, but then neither does the Queen of Sheba.

And hey, Heston's followers are in the very specific cult of Manly Manliness! It's practiced by a signifigcant percentage of the world's population, you know. When shall we learn tolerance?;D

Rose Works Jewelry said...

Oh my goodness! You had me laughing so hard! :)

TiLT said...

Awesome! You got me gigglin' girl! :)

TiLT said...

And I love that you wanna be a catchphrase :P

uniquecommodities said...

interesting facts thanks for sharing!

SarahKelley said...

I loved this-- who doesn't sit and pick apart stuff like that? But I'd never had thought to blog it:) Great list!

Carapace said...

RoseWorks, Tilt- Glad I could give you a giggle. And sorry ya'll couldn't be here to watch them with me; that would've been a blast. These are movies that need an Audience.

Unique- They're better than facts! They're..um.. fakts! Just like regular facts, but with 45 percent less truthful content!

SarahKelley- Really? I'm your first snarkblog? I'm both touched and confused. I thought sniping on minor pop culture phenom was what the internet was *for*. Have you met Tv Tropes...?

AMOzarkian said...

Oh you make me laugh so hard sometimes! Woman - you are truly AWESOME and that was completely and utterly full of WIN! Cheers!